I have decided to create.
A creation not of intellect but of experience.
Jouissance. this is the title of this blog we have been following. But what does it mean? For me, right now in this moment it means nothing to me but of pleasure. Pleasure is something I haven't felt in quite some time because I've been too busy freaking out about my newly realized adulthood. Goddamn it.
My epic move from the Northwest back to Oahu has been the up and down variety. It's been a major development into my new found sobriety. A type of sobriety that has made me realize I am much more psychologically out of my fucking mind than realized prior. A sobriety that has taught me more strength than I have ever known. A type of sobriety that makes people return to the life of substance.
From week to week it's been a difference of emotions. One week I am exploring the joys of paddle boarding, surfing, beach combing all the while acting like I've gone completely native. The next week I am freaking out wondering what the hell am I doing back here?! Waking up screaming 'holy shit, why did I come back here?' 'What the FUCK!?'
I feel unwelcome to experience this pleasure. I feel like I'm cheating on what I have worked so hard to obtain. But crap, what was that? I am so frustrated that I don't even know why. I'm too drunk to even care.
Please me but please yourselves.
This is jouissance.